Seeing Double

I decided to make use of this time, since I can't sleep anyway to write down my thoughts on our family's latest news.  I should probably go back to December to start the explanation though.

As I've posted about before, Jon and I had some fertility issues and we sought out the help of a specialist to become pregnant.  We did a round of IVF at the end of September and had two embryos put back, but neither of them implanted.  We were sad, but knew that we needed to try again, just to exhaust all possibilities.  We jumped right back into the game and underwent our second IVF procedure in November.  Again, we had two embryos placed, with high hopes that we would end up with a positive result, and possibly twins.  We found out on December 10th that neither of the embryos had implanted, which was pretty devastating at the time.

Feeling quite discouraged, we decided that we needed a break from all of the treatments.  For Christmas we even bought a copy of the movie UP! and after sobbing through the scene where Carl and Ellie find out that they will not be able to have children, Jon and I talked through our feelings.  We decided that if kids weren't in the cards for us, then we'd just have to have a lot of great adventures.  It wasn't at all a sad moment for us, mostly just a realization that we could be happy where we were at in life.  We planned to look into different treatment options, but wanted to take some time to just enjoy the ride.  I like to explain that at this point, I stopped praying my begging prayers.  We'd been praying to get pregnant for so long, and instead of focusing on that, I prayed that we'd be happy and that we'd find ways to reach out to people around us to invite them into our adventures.  It wasn't giving up on the desire to have children, more a transition to finding happiness in the moment.

So, all of that went down the week of Christmas and New Years.  Rather than bringing the holidays down, it set Jon and I up for an awesome week of birthday celebrations.  It's so fun having our birthdays in the same week.  We got a special treat when Mom and Dad Hamilton flew out to Utah to enjoy some winter fun the days between our birthdays.  Jon and his Dad went skiing, we all went sledding, we enjoyed a dinner out with friends and family.  It was just a blast.  It was so nice to not be thinking about dates and timing, especially since my January cycle came right on time after our failed attempt and cycle in December.  It really seemed like my body was getting back to its normal routine and for that I was grateful.

The rest of January was pretty uneventful.  We kept working and Jon worked hard in his class at Weber State.  Things were great.  I had a fun trip down to Vegas to look forward to in the middle of February, to see my mom and my sister Beth's family.  Jon and I both had a trip to Florida to look forward to at the end of February as well.  Toward the end of January temperatures were really cold, it didn't hit 20*s for a week, and we had not seen the sun because of air pollution for 19 days.  Jon could tell that I was not feeling my happiest, even with the extra vitamin D pills I was taking, and after I broke down crying because I wanted an ice cream cone, he took matters into his hands and drove me to a tanning salon to sign me up for an unlimited month pass.  It would be a great way to get vitamin D to even out my mood, and a great prep for our upcoming trips.

I tanned a few times and ended up with a really bad burn that landed me in instacare the first weekend of February.  It was that same weekend that I had decided to start taking my prenatal vitamins again, and also the weekend Jon was at Flaming Gorge ice fishing.  I had taken prenatals religiously since we got married, but after the second IVF treatment, Jon and I both gave up our daily vitamins, opting only for vitamin D.  I didn't start the vitamins in hopes of becoming pregnant, more in coming to terms with the fact that the prenatals don't cause any harm and getting myself healthy is important.  This is the funny part though, Jon came home from Flaming Gorge to me crying hysterically as I itched the sensitive skin on my stomach and back, telling him I felt crazy and that I wanted to rip my skin off.  It turns out that prenatals are high in niacin, that draws the blood to the surface of the skin... making a sunburn hurt worse than it should.  Jon, being the amazing husband that he is, did not laugh at me, he just got me in the 4runner and drove me to instacare to figure out what was wrong.  The doctor there didn't look too hard, just prescribed an oral hydrocortizone.  It soothed the itching and I was able to function and think like a human again.  That was February 3rd.

On the 5th, my friend Sara text me to find out what the game plan was for more treatment options.  It had been 2 months since we got the news, which was the spacing between our last IVF attempts.  I told her we didn't really have a plan, that we were just enjoying the journey, but mentioned the text conversation to Jon that night.  He agreed with enjoying the journey, but also questioned me about my last cycle.  It seemed like it had been awhile since I'd had one.  We looked at the calendars and realized I was 5 days late, since my cycles are naturally very short.  I chalked it up to side effects from the residual hormones, but Jon pressed further and said it wouldn't hurt to test.  We didn't have any tests on hand, so Wednesday after work I went to Walmart and bought a two pack of clearblue digital tests.  They were on sale.  Come Thursday morning I didn't want to take the test, I knew it would be negative and I didn't want to be sad.  So, I asked Jon if he was sure we should test.  He said he needed to know.

 I went in the bathroom and took care of business.  I left the test on the counter and went to leave the bathroom, Jon came in and started staring at the test.  I told him to leave it alone, that it would take awhile to process.  He told me he'd just watch it for a minute.  It shows an hour glass blinking while it processes.  I went and sat on our bed and he walked in holding the test less than a minute later.  His head was down and he looked really sad.  Even though I was happy with where we were at, testing puts that little twinkle of hope in your heart that maybe it could work.  Since Jon looked so sad, I immediately got defensive.  I said, "You knew it would be negative, you can't be so sad about it now."  He looked up and just smiled at me and said, "read it!"  It said, "PREGNANT!"  I'm pretty sure my eyes were huge and I jumped up to hug Jon, muttering that there was no way.  We had to make sure, so we did the second test and it came back positive just as quickly.  Jon and I were on cloud nine.  He even offered to take the day off of work so we could celebrate.  Instead he went to work, while I had the whole day off.  He text me from work about 30 minutes into his day saying, "you need to buy a different test, I read online that clear blue gives false positives.  Go buy a pink dye test, don't worry about finding one on sale."  So, I did as he asked.  I drove over to Walgreens, got a third test and took it as soon as I got home.  This one was a standard test, so I watched as the positive line showed up dark before the control line was even saturated.  I sent him a picture and then floated for the rest of the day.

At this point, we knew we had to wait to tell family until we'd see them, it was only a couple weeks away.  But the wait was killing both of us.  We went and got blood tests done to make sure the HCG numbers were increasing well, and although they were high, we chalked it up to the fact that we were further along than we originally though.  Our reveals went well when we did see family, but they weren't extra cutesy, so we made plans for an awesome gender reveal.  We also went to our first appointment at the OBs office right after getting back from Florida.  The Nurse Practitioner brought in a hand held ultrasound and after finding the yolk sac, turned the screen to show us our baby's beating heart.  That did us in.  We were both crying, which made her cry, and she requested we come back in two weeks to hear the heartbeat.  Seeing the heartbeat had been amazing, but we were stoked to hear it too.  So... two weeks later we went back and she found a strong heartbeat at 170 bpm right away, she didn't even have to move the Doppler at all.

Then, two weeks after that I got a little scared, I had some spotting and even though the nurse told me not to worry as long as it didn't continue, I was still very concerned.  Lucky for Jon and I, our friends the Farrs have a fetal Doppler.  They were kind enough to let us borrow it, so that we could hear the baby from home.  We found the heartbeat, and although it sounded echo-y, we thought it was just because of the placenta.  A few times as we listened it was weird though, we'd be in one spot measuring the heartbeat at 135 bpm and then it would fade out, so I'd move the Doppler wand and find it again, but this time at 155 bpm.  I figured the baby was just dancing around in there.

I went to my 13 week appointment and the doctor didn't measure or set up an ultrasound, she said we wouldn't schedule that until the week of May 27th, and that I'd just come back April 29th to hear the heartbeat again.  At 13 weeks I had not gained any weight, so she mentioned some dietary things, especially since I had developed a sensitivity to milk and then sent me on my way.  I started getting antsy to know gender at that point.  Anyone who knows me knows that I HATE surprises.  Jon and I decided that we'd like to go to Fetal Fotos to find out the gender, so we called and set up an appointment for April 29th in the evening.  I already had the day off of work to go to my OB appointment, so it just made sense.

Fast forward to earlier this week.  Tuesday I worked in the evening, so in the morning I was sitting on the couch watching Star and Koda as they stared out the windows.  As I sat so still I felt a rolling sensation from my belly button down to my pelvis.  I text Jon to tell him that I thought I felt the baby move and he was very excited.  I figured it was a one time thing, so imagine my surprise when the next evening I was laying on the couch with the cat snuggled on my belly and I felt a pressure type sensation where the cat was laying.  I had Jon come push in the spot where I felt it and he could feel that it was more firm in that spot, but couldn't feel movement.  Then the morning of April 29th finally came.  I was laying in bed and I could feel a firm spot on my left lower abdomen.  Jon woke up to get ready for work and I had him come feel it.  He thought it was really cool, then hopped in the shower.  When he got out of the shower, he came over to feel it again and I showed him that the firm spot wasn't on the left anymore, that it was on the right, so our baby really is active.  He jokingly said, "Or maybe there are two babies in there."  We both laughed and continued with our daily prep.

Finally the time for my appointment came and I made it to the Avenues safe and sound.  (I mention that because at my 10 week appointment I almost got hit by an ambulance that was coming off of a side street very quickly with no lights or siren going.)   I waited for 45 minutes and finally got to see the doctor.  I'd been weighed in, and at 16 weeks, I'm up 4 lbs, but I'm visibly showing.  The doctor said it was pretty normal and not to worry, but to continue taking calcium supplements to ensure that the baby has strong bones.  She then did the Doppler as she continued to tell me about the upcoming appointments and how we'd have an ultrasound on May 28th to determine gender and size.  The Doppler kept making an odd sound and it sounded echo-y again.  The doctor asked if I'd used lotion on my stomach today, because that can cause the sound waves to bounce funny and cause the static and echo.  I said I hadn't, but she still seemed unfazed.  She was unfazed until she told me I wouldn't feel the baby kick or move until 20-25 weeks and I responded that I had already felt the baby move.  She told me I could not have felt the baby yet and that it was probably just gas bubbles causing the pressure... I decided I knew my body better, but not to argue.  I set up all of my appointments from May 28th through September 17th then headed home to wait for Fetal Fotos.

Jon came home from work and we had some dinner, then loaded Koda in the car to come with us to our off the record ultrasound appointment.  We love to bring Koda with us when we have short errands to run because he gets so excited to ride in the car.  We waited for a bit while the previous appointment finished and chatted it up with the couple as they waited for their ultrasound pictures, DVD, and CD to be complete.  Then we headed back.  I climbed up on the table and the tech squirted warm goo all over my abdomen.  She hit record on the DVD, then placed the ultrasound wand on my stomach.  She moved the wand left to right and first there was one little orb skull on the left, then as it faded out, there was a second little orb skull on the right.  I wasn't sure if I had seen correctly and she slowly moved the wand until both little skulls were showing.  She then said, "first off, did you know you are having twins?"  Jon and I looked at each other said, "No.... YES!!!!!!!!!!" The yes a cheer of excitement at the prospect of two little ones joining our family.  I had tears running down my cheeks at this point, but I wasn't sobbing.  I think that we had both been prepared for news like that, even though neither of us knew we were having twins.  We then stared in amazement at the screen as she showed us baby A, head down near my cervix, kicking baby B right in the head, as this baby was further up pushing his/her feet against the highest point in my uterus.  That was all the confirmation I needed to know that I had felt my baby, wait, babies, move on Tuesday.  As the tech moved the wand around we saw baby A's cute legs stretched straight out with the ankles crossed.  I looked at it and said, "I think that one is a girl."  The tech said she agreed 80% and would come back to baby A to verify after checking out baby B.  So baby B decided to sit in the same position, ankles crossed, legs pretty close together, until the tech jabbed where the legs were a few times.  HE gave up the modesty and spread his legs showing off.  Jon and I were so excited.  When we thought there was only one, we thought it was a boy, so to find out there really is a boy was just so fun.  Then, the tech went back to baby A, and jabbed a few times until SHE finally spread her legs a tiny bit to reveal three little lines.  We went in thinking we were having one healthy baby, and found out we are having one of each healthy baby!  We continued the ultrasound session and got a few cute face shots, spine shots, baby B, Owen, waving shots, and baby A, Lindsey, kicking shots.  They were sooo active and squirmy.

I mentioned before that we had a fun gender reveal plan, and we did, but it went out the window when we found out that there was one of each.  We just couldn't hold it in.  So, we called our families and shared the news.  To say that everyone was shocked was an understatement.  To say that we are shocked is also an understatement.  Hence me being awake at 3:30 in the morning because I can't turn my brain off and just need to share our story.  I'm seeing double from my blurry eyes, and double for all of the adventures to come with these 2 little ones joining our family.  It's going to be fun calling my OB this morning to let her know there are really two little ones in there, and that her Doppler isn't broken.  Oh, and since there are a ton of words in this post, here is some cuteness to reward you for making it through this post. 

Lindsey Diane

Owen Jonathan

Lindsey's head is on the left and that's her foot.  Owen's head is at the bottom.  The squiggly white line is the separation in their sacs.

Told you he was showing off.

She was a little more timid, but you can see those splayed legs and the little bubble between them is her umbilical cord.

Nostalgia

Before I get writing, I promise this is not a rant, but it might be random ramblings.

Jon and I both celebrated our birthdays last week and we had a wonderful time doing so.  Jon's parents came out to celebrate on his actual birthday and we enjoyed the biggest snowstorm Utah has seen since 1968.  During the crazy snow storm, Jon went skiing with his dad at Brighton.  It was so fun to listen to Jon reminisce about learning to ski when he was little.  The week leading up to it was almost better than the week before Christmas because he had all of these great memories to bring up.  He talked about how it was such a fun thing to get to spend time, just him and his dad, on the lift and out on the runs.  Jon's love of memories and following traditions have to be two of my favorite things about him.  His sentimentality this month may have rubbed off on me because for the last few days I have been feeling almost homesick for times when I was younger.

As I was driving all over Davis County for work this week, I kept thinking about the carefree days in college when I worked at an orthodontic lab picking up and delivering study models and retainers.  It was so fun.  I could rock out to mix CDs from high school and it was at the perfect time of day to call family in all time zones as I wound through the streets of the small towns south of Provo.  Then, today as I was flipping through radio stations, I came to a station that played 4 songs in a row from a mix tape that my sisters made when I was in elementary school called the Boy Mix.  It made me miss our road trips down to Indiana to see Beth.  Just Jessiy, Maggie, and me driving in the dark to spend the weekend with Beth.  Maggie and I would grill Jessiy to find out what the latest news from Sarah was since she was living in Utah going to BYU.  It really made me miss those days, when I could be with my sisters all of the time, or at least talk to them all of the time when they were out of state.

When I was younger I always looked at people in their twenties and thirties and thought I would never get there.  I would never be older and looking back at my younger days missing them.  But really, I do.  I don't know if it was turning 26, or just this homesick feeling I have that has me thinking about all of this, but I miss the ease of life when I was younger.  I don't think that life is harder now really or that I'm even necessarily more busy then I was at some of the younger times that I miss.  I think it has to do with the proximity of all of the people I cared about.  Most of the time, the days that I miss are the days when I was with my sisters or my best friends from growing up.  Or, I was living in Provo and driving down to Henderson or 29 Palms to see my sisters on my spare weekends because weekends weren't full of church responsibilities or even really job responsibilities.  I didn't have to think about what time it was in another time zone before placing a call and with friends, I could mostly tell from the time of day where they would be to meet up with them.

I guess what I am getting at is this.  I love my life and I love all of the experiences that I have had so far to make my life what it is.  I'm happy where I am right now, I love my home, my husband, and our creatures that keep us company, but I also love the memories and times that made me who I am today.  January is a hard month for me to be happy usually.  I often think about January 1998 when my sister Jessiy was killed and it wears me down.  This year though, I am trying to focus on the fun memories of spending time with her and the memories of how losing her brought me and my sisters closer.  I'm so grateful for the time that I had with her and for the memories that I do have.  I'm thankful that even now, when we all live so far apart, that I am still part of that eternal family.  I wish I could herd everyone closer together, but for now, facetime and phone calls will have to do.  I sure do love these sisters of mine.

Maggie

Jessiy

Sarah

Beth

It's Not Just Me

So, I promise after this post that I'll just start writing in a journal, because this is supposed to be the Hamilton Times, not Rachael's Rants and Ramblings. 

I came across a post on a friend's blog today that really impacted me because it was so straight forward and honest.  She said, "Some people really don't get it. I'm seriously convinced that there are those who think everyone wants to hear about their pregnancy, or their sister's baby or how wonderful parenthood is... I'm here to let you know not everyone is strong enough to hear anything dealing with children."  Although, I don't have the exact same sentiment, I can sympathize.  Attending church on Sunday and sitting through an hour long lesson on Motherhood had me really bugged.  I felt like the only people who were being taught were the ones with children.  There was the occasional side note of, "For those single sisters who do not have children, they have the opportunity to be nurturers to nieces, nephews, and neighbors."  What about the non-single sisters who do not or cannot have children?   That was the question I was thinking of non-stop, rather than opening my heart to the spirit of the message.  I had this bitter and angry feeling after leaving Relief Society and it stuck with me until this morning when I read my friend's post.

After reading her statement I realized that people do not realize how difficult it is to be dealing with infertility.  They just don't understand because they have never experienced it.  They don't know what to say or do and because the person struggling with infertility is so emotionally vulnerable it just ends up hurting.  So, here's an awesome link and a few of my favorite portions of the Infertility Etiquette Guide from Resolve, the National Infertility Association.  I've shared this with my family before, but figure, anyone can learn something from reading it.  Here are the sections that are most meaningful to me.

"Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life. 

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal."

I appreciate this section because it validates the fact that it is an actual grief that I feel every month and that I am not alone in getting my hopes up every month and being let down every time as well.  I am not trying to invalidate the pain of people who have lost loved ones, I just appreciate that this shows that they are both forms of grief.

"Don't Minimize the Problem

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child."

I like this section because I think this is the most common gut reaction that people have when they find out that we are struggling with infertility.  They act like it's no big deal.  This one and relax have to be the most irritating to me.

"Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you."

 I don't always agree with this one, because I do have a lot of pregnant friends and I can interact with them just fine most days.  It's just like my friend's post though, if I'm not up to talking about your pregnancy or your sister's cousin's baby, then let me leave the conversation and do not be offended.  Some days I am just not strong enough to handle your hormones and mine. Post all you want on facebook and your blog, because I can choose not to read it, but don't force me to be a part of a conversation that I just don't feel up to having.

So, there is the end of Rachael's Rants and Ramblings.  I hope that this was somewhat educational, if not an education on how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking, then an education in infertility.  It's a real issue.  7.3 Million people in the United States struggle with it and if more people were willing to talk about it and be open about it, then maybe less people would deal with this grief on their own.  I'm glad to have such supportive friends and family who help share these feelings and make me feel less alone.

Ready for an Update

I've been wanting to update the blog for a bit, but wanted to make sure I was in a good place before doing so.  I'm pretty sure I'm in a good place now so here it goes.

After the last post it took about a week to get the blood work back and about a week longer to get a straight answer from the doctor about the results.  Here's what we found.  Both of the embryos did implant, but they did not survive and cysts formed around them.  We can not definitively say, but the doctor seemed confident when he said, that the embryos did not survive because of elevated C reactive protein levels.  I had elevated C reactive protein levels because of the daily progesterone shots.  Progesterone does not come in a raw form, it has to be injected in an oil, most commonly sesame oil because it is the least expensive form (at $60 per 8 day vial).  It turns out that I have a sensitivity, not an allergy, to sesame oil and that caused the reaction in my blood and a week long case of hives at every injection site.  The treatment for getting rid of the cysts is taking birth control to level out hormone levels, but I refused to take birth control, I'd rather let my body get itself back into whack on its own.  I did, however, agree to take oral hydro cortisone to help lower the reactive proteins and to make the itching stop.  So that's what we learned from try number one of IVF.

Now, most people have asked or are wondering, when will you do try number two.  The answer is, I don't know.  It's hard to want to try again when you know how crappy it feels to have it not work out.  When we do try again I'll be on progesterone in olive oil instead of sesame oil though, I do know that.  With holidays coming up, it's hard to want to try again when it could end up ruining the holiday season.  Then, there's the Hamilton family trip (most likely in February) which means based on cycle dates January and February are probably out... so who knows when a good time will be.  I'm sure that we'll know when it's the right time, but for now, we've got no clue and I'm pretty okay with that.

Since I only expressed anger and frustration in my last post, let me tell you a little about my personality.  I pretty much hate feeling sad.  It makes me feel powerless.  So, I just feel angry about things so that I can feel in control, until I'm out of the zone of time when I might feel sad and then I just try to avoid feeling anything in general.  I did pretty well avoiding things, but with my collection of baby stuff in the basement bedroom, it was kind of hard to avoid feelings forever.  So that I don't have to feel sad when I see those things, I returned the bumbo seat to Walmart since they were recalled anyway and gave my dream car seat in the fabric that I loved the most to my sister-in-law.  She'll be able to use it before I will, so at least it will get some use before it expires in 2015.  It served me well as a model for the canopies and seat pads that I made in the past though.  Now I just need to find a home for the stroller and a pottery barn boys bedding set. 

This was my dream carseat

Just as I expected from the last post, I got all three reactions that I anticipated and I have to say, that I appreciated all of them.  I even did okay with pregnancy announcements within the same week of finding out that our IVF cycle failed and only cried a little bit.  I mostly loved my parents' willingness to say that they would drop everything and come out to visit if that's what I needed to feel better.  They are so supportive and although I turned down their offer, knowing that I was more important than any work responsibilities made me understand that it's a relationship like theirs with me that really makes me want to have kids.  I am so grateful to have such amazing people in my life.  Since I feel like I am rambling now, I'll leave you with a quote shared by a great friend when she found out about our failed attempt.  "In India, we have a saying: Everything will be all right in the end. So if it is not all right, it is not yet the end." -The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel  So here's to this not being the end.

Let's Be Real

Have you ever written a post when you were so angry that your hands were literally shaking?  No?  I hadn't until just now, and it's probably a big mistake, but oh well, I need to write about this and haven't because I cared too much about people 1. being rude, 2. expressing pity, 3. acting like it's no big deal.

Well, you know what?  Screw all of the people who would have those responses.  I feel really angry right now and I want to be open about why.

Jon and I have been trying to get pregnant since May 2010.  A little less than a year after we got married.  Do the math and you will see that it's going on 2.5 years that we have been trying.  In this amount of time I have seen people get married and pop out two children, and although I am happy for them, every time I see a birth announcement, ultrasound, or "I'm going to be a big sister/brother" post on Facebook it still feels like a stab in the heart.

Now, this is where you are probably thinking, why haven't they gone to a doctor?  Well, we have.  We had a diagnosable issue that was addressed with medication and Jon and I were both considered in good health.  Since it had been more than a year since we started trying, we sought the help of a fertility specialist, who, after getting the hormone levels worked out with a medication, said we would be great candidates for IUI.  Well, six months down the road and three failed IUI attempts later, the doctor said we had to move on to the big guns, IVF.

Minimal stimulation IVF involves oral medication to increase the number of follicles that hold eggs.  Then, daily shots to increase the size of the eggs and another daily shot that prevents the eggs from ovulating on their own.  Finally, when they get to a good size, I trigger the eggs to be released with two shots of HCG and go into the doctor for a procedure where they remove the eggs.  To help along the process, an awesome embryologist takes a sample from Jon, picks out the best sperm, and using a robotic arm with a microscopic needle, injects one sperm into each retrieved egg.  What is now formed is an embryo that is observed for two days to ensure that it is maturing properly and then the best two are transferred back into the uterus. Strict bedrest is enforced for two days after embryo transfer to allow the embryos the best possible chance of implantation and vigorous exercise as well as lifting items over 10 pounds are prohibited until a blood pregnancy test can be administered 12 days after transfer.

So, that's sort of the science behind IVF.  Here are some stats from our IVF cycle.  We had 4 healthy eggs retrieved and all 4 were fertilized and survived the ICSI process.  After two days of observation, the healthiest embryos were selected for transfer (we had a 9 celled AB quality embryo and an 8 celled A quality embryo).  I was on bedrest and spent a relaxing weekend watching TV and reading.  The other 2 embryos were observed for progress so that they could be frozen and used in future cycles to have more children.  Sadly, neither of the "extra" embryos survived to become blastocysts.  We were reassured at this stage that although those two did not make it, the environment in the uterus is much more friendly to embryos and that all was well.  My hormone levels were checked and I diligently took a shot of progesterone in the hip every morning and tracked my weight and waist.

Fast forward 12 days.  This morning we went in for our HCG beta test, to find out if the embryos took.  Upon arrival we were warmly greeted and everyone happily joked that we would have good news in an hour and a half when the blood work came back.  I should have realized that when it took three tries to get the blood sample that nothing good was going to happen.  The results came back negative.  My HCG level was less than 1.  Jon was loving enough to be the one to take the call and share the bad news with me.  The doctor got lucky because I might have cussed him out if I had been the first to talk to him.  After talking to Jon for a moment, the doctor wanted to talk to me and ask me questions about a family history of miscarriage.  A history that I brought up 8 months ago and he chose to blow off.  I was even taking baby aspirin at the time to deal with what I thought could be a problem and he told me to stop, for fear that it would thin my blood which could cause excessive bleeding during egg retrieval.  I really appreciated being told by the nurses that only 1 in 10 IVF transfers don't take and that we had such great odds of things working.  It sure made me feel great to be the 1 in 10 for whom it did not work.  Well, thanks doc, for saying things like, With the quality of the embryos it should have worked, we'll just have to do some blood work to figure things out.  Oh, and thanks doc, for faxing the order into the lab by my house, but, coding everything the wrong way so that I had to wait an hour for you to take their call and get things clarified.  Oh, and thanks doc, for taking their call and rather than listening to the lab tech chick when she tried to get answers to her questions, you just told her that the results from this morning were correct and that I was not in fact pregnant so that when she got off of the phone she apologized five times for my unfortunate circumstances.  Oh, and thanks doc, for ordering a test that costs $750 and is not covered by insurance to run a genetic test for a disorder of which my family has no history.  Oh, and the solution for the disorder is to take 2 to 3 times the recommended dose of folic acid?  I'm pretty sure it doesn't cost $750 to buy folic acid supplements from Costco.  Thanks also for not having an answer for the lab tech chick and rather than you calling her back with the answer, you had your secretary call my cell phone to give me the answer.  I had a great time putting your secretary on hold while I waited for lab tech chick to finish running drug tests for the other two people in the waiting area.  It was just a blast spending that much time in the Lab Corp waiting area feeling angry and ready to cry.  But really, thanks lab tech chick for being so nice about things, I know you hate your job, but you were really nice to me.  Oh, and thanks to the Wendy's fast food guy for giving me my first taste of soda/caffeine/DrPepper in a month when I left the lab to come home and vent to my dog.  Oh and thanks to the Red Cross, for calling to see if I'll donate blood tomorrow.  I'm pretty sure that after 4 needle pricks and 4 vials of blood today I don't want to go.  Call me next week and I'll be there, but today is not such a good day to say you want to do anything with my blood.

So, there.  That's why I am so angry that my hands are shaking as I type.  I'm sick of infertility and not knowing why.

To diffuse this anger and help you see that I am not a bitter witch I will say this, I am grateful that I live in a time when all of this is diagnosable.  I am grateful that the doctor called in labs to try to find an answer as to why things didn't work.  I am grateful to have such an affordable doctor who is really qualified and probably just as stumped by my body as I am.  I am grateful that knowing I'm not pregnant means that I can ride every ride at Lagoon this Halloween and enjoy all of the rides at Disneyland when we go for Mickey's Halloween party.  I wish that I were not able to ride them, but I can't change what's already happened.  I'm also grateful to have such a supportive family and amazing group of friends who offer prayers and comfort but also know that it's okay to just be MAD.  I'm grateful that even though this outcome is not at all what I wanted, that rather than praying for a baby, we all along have been praying for God's will to happen.  I kind of hate that His will doesn't match mine right now, but He's got more experience than I do, so I just need to accept all of this.  I just wish that for once there could be good news for us.  Like I said, I'm happy when other people get good news, but it still hurts inside.  So, thanks for letting me be real and let you know about this life experience that we are having.  Sorry there are no pictures, but hey, I included some educational links.

He Loves Me Because I'm Crazy

Pretty much anyone who reads this blog knows that I am a nut for baby gear.  I blame my fascination on the fact that I worked at Babies'R'Us, but Jon knows the real reason, it's because I am crazy.  Well, crazy me got some birthday money back in January and it's been eating a hole in my sock drawer waiting for the perfect deal to come along.  See, I have a list of all of the baby gear that I want to own some day, and not just the brand, the specific fabric and style.

Over the last three years we've collected quite a bit of this gear (carseat, stroller, high chair, pack n play, monitor, etc) for use when friends and family come over, but a few of the things do not come up used and in good condition on Craigslist and KSL very often.  So, I've been patiently stalking Amazon and a few other retailers websites.  Imagine my surprise when I found the exact Ergobaby Carrier that I had been coveting for months on Amazon on sale more than 30% off!  Happy Birthday to me and the awesome carrier we'll use someday.

Having a little bit of cash left in that sock drawer was eating away at me though.  Silly?  Yes.  I should have been using it to get a couple new shirts for work or something practical, that I might actually need in the next few months, but no, I kept searching for that last item on my list.  My dream diaper bag.  Is it weird to have a dream diaper bag?  Probably.  Oh well.  I was amazed to find out this last Saturday that the exact bag in the exact fabric that I wanted from Nordstrom was on sale!  Basically half of the price of all of the other PPB bags.  Not only was it on sale, but the store only a couple cities away had it in stock!  I asked Jon if I was crazy for wanting it.  After having dreams about wearing it to Disneyland (it's from a limited edition line called It's a Small World) three nights in a row, I decided to just bite the bullet and get the bag.

 

I texted Jon right after I bought it today and his response, "dang it, I was going to get it for you on Monday and save it as a surprise for Mothers' Day."  Oops.  I guess I should have been more patient, but if anything I just learned that even though he might think I'm cuckoo he really does listen when I mention the things I am passionate about.

P.S.  This post is in no way an announcement of pregnancy.  It's just me showing all of you what Jon deals with on a daily basis.  We're hoping for an announcement of that variety in the next few months though.  Stay tuned for more updates.

Family Photos

Jon and I are jumping on the Christmas Card bandwagon this year and decided that we needed a family photo taken for said Christmas card.  We got a new fancy camera for Christmas this year and asked our friend Scott to test it out for us by taking the photos.  We think that he did a fantastic job even if two of the photo subjects were a little squirmy.

Just Us in our coordinating sweaters.

With the squirmy creatures.

My favorite outtake that Jon says no to putting on the card...

And just because we all know that animal pictures are cuter than people pictures... Sleeping Koda.

The sticker on her forehead says, "Star."  We thought that it fit quite well.