Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Ready for an Update

I've been wanting to update the blog for a bit, but wanted to make sure I was in a good place before doing so.  I'm pretty sure I'm in a good place now so here it goes.

After the last post it took about a week to get the blood work back and about a week longer to get a straight answer from the doctor about the results.  Here's what we found.  Both of the embryos did implant, but they did not survive and cysts formed around them.  We can not definitively say, but the doctor seemed confident when he said, that the embryos did not survive because of elevated C reactive protein levels.  I had elevated C reactive protein levels because of the daily progesterone shots.  Progesterone does not come in a raw form, it has to be injected in an oil, most commonly sesame oil because it is the least expensive form (at $60 per 8 day vial).  It turns out that I have a sensitivity, not an allergy, to sesame oil and that caused the reaction in my blood and a week long case of hives at every injection site.  The treatment for getting rid of the cysts is taking birth control to level out hormone levels, but I refused to take birth control, I'd rather let my body get itself back into whack on its own.  I did, however, agree to take oral hydro cortisone to help lower the reactive proteins and to make the itching stop.  So that's what we learned from try number one of IVF.

Now, most people have asked or are wondering, when will you do try number two.  The answer is, I don't know.  It's hard to want to try again when you know how crappy it feels to have it not work out.  When we do try again I'll be on progesterone in olive oil instead of sesame oil though, I do know that.  With holidays coming up, it's hard to want to try again when it could end up ruining the holiday season.  Then, there's the Hamilton family trip (most likely in February) which means based on cycle dates January and February are probably out... so who knows when a good time will be.  I'm sure that we'll know when it's the right time, but for now, we've got no clue and I'm pretty okay with that.

Since I only expressed anger and frustration in my last post, let me tell you a little about my personality.  I pretty much hate feeling sad.  It makes me feel powerless.  So, I just feel angry about things so that I can feel in control, until I'm out of the zone of time when I might feel sad and then I just try to avoid feeling anything in general.  I did pretty well avoiding things, but with my collection of baby stuff in the basement bedroom, it was kind of hard to avoid feelings forever.  So that I don't have to feel sad when I see those things, I returned the bumbo seat to Walmart since they were recalled anyway and gave my dream car seat in the fabric that I loved the most to my sister-in-law.  She'll be able to use it before I will, so at least it will get some use before it expires in 2015.  It served me well as a model for the canopies and seat pads that I made in the past though.  Now I just need to find a home for the stroller and a pottery barn boys bedding set. 

This was my dream carseat

Just as I expected from the last post, I got all three reactions that I anticipated and I have to say, that I appreciated all of them.  I even did okay with pregnancy announcements within the same week of finding out that our IVF cycle failed and only cried a little bit.  I mostly loved my parents' willingness to say that they would drop everything and come out to visit if that's what I needed to feel better.  They are so supportive and although I turned down their offer, knowing that I was more important than any work responsibilities made me understand that it's a relationship like theirs with me that really makes me want to have kids.  I am so grateful to have such amazing people in my life.  Since I feel like I am rambling now, I'll leave you with a quote shared by a great friend when she found out about our failed attempt.  "In India, we have a saying: Everything will be all right in the end. So if it is not all right, it is not yet the end." -The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel  So here's to this not being the end.