I know I need to document this not only for my sake, but for
Owen and for Lindsey, however it has taken me more than three weeks to find the
courage to go through all of these emotions again. How do you write about the happiest and
saddest day of your life without reliving it all? I’d love to just remember the happy, to go
back and change it all so that all we felt that day was joy, but I know that in
order to do that, I wouldn’t be honoring my sweet Lindsey girl. I would never erase her from my memories and
I would never choose to not be her mother.
I just wish that I could change it so that she were here and home with
us, not waiting for us in heaven. Here
it goes. Sorry if I go back and forth
from that day to memories from things that happened previously, I just have to
mention them because they were the thoughts that got us through that day.
 |
| Our family photo taken by Erin at Lindsey's blessing |
Let me start by saying that I was blessed to have the
perfect pregnancy. Right from the start
when we found out in February, I felt great.
I had a few nauseous days and I got really tired for a while there at
the beginning, but really, I had a dream pregnancy. Then, at 16 weeks to find out that our
miracle baby was really two miracle babies, I felt like I was floating for the
remainder of the pregnancy. Everyone was
warning me that I’d have to go on bed rest because when you are having twins
you’ll start to go into labor early, or dilate early. With every passing week though, I felt strong
and healthy, and more energized and happy than I had in ages. After hoping and praying for a baby for so
long, I was just in awe that I was pregnant and that I was finally a
mother. My babies weren’t even here yet
and I was so grateful for the chance to be a mother. Starting at 20 weeks I got to go in every 4
weeks to see Owen and Lindsey on ultrasound.
They were measured and I was measured and everything looked great at
each appointment. They were measuring so
close in size to one another and my body was doing a great job of stretching to
keep them in there without too much discomfort.
At 34 weeks pregnant I had my last day of work at Deseret
Book and it seemed so bittersweet. I
still had lots of energy, but I knew that I needed to rest before the twins
came. I felt like I might over do it if
I kept working because I was feeling so good.
So, I stayed home, well sort of.
At that point I started having weekly appointments with my OB and weekly
NSTs at the hospital to make sure that the twins were both doing well. Every week I got to hear their hearts beating
and at the beginning of the NSTs I got to see both of them wiggling and
interacting as they measured the amniotic fluid to ensure that both babies had
enough space and oxygen. Every
appointment went well. Every single
one. All the way up to week 37. That Friday I went for a NST and Lindsey’s
heart rate was really elevated. She was
moving around like crazy and I was having a little bit of difficulty breathing
because of the way the bed was positioned, but the doctor who reviewed the
heart rate strip said everything looked fine and that Lindsey was okay because
her heart rate would come down between bursts of movement. I’d also had orange juice with my breakfast
that day and that always got her really excited. That was the Friday before our scheduled
C-Section.
 |
| One of many ultrasound shots that showed the two of them snuggled together head to head. |
I went in the following Monday for one last NST and one last
appointment to make sure that both babies were still positioned appropriately
for a low transverse incision. Before
arriving for my NST I said a little prayer for Lindsey that her heart rate would
be healthy and that all would be well. I’d prayed every appointment that they would
find her heart beat. That seems strange
to say because I was never worried about finding Owen’s, but it’s the truth. Just like Jon and I had prayed for both
babies before we even knew it was twins. All along Lindsey had been positioned in a way
that it made her movements hard to be detected from the outside. She was sitting breech, almost folded in
half, with her bum over my cervix, her spine running up my right side, and her
head tucked just below my ribs. Before
my appointments I would try to jostle my belly to make sure I could feel both
babies and with so little space, I started second guessing myself in knowing
that they were both okay. There was no
reason for the fear, my monitoring and growth, and their growth was fine, so I
never mentioned the fear to my doctor or anyone else. I didn’t want to be a crazy first time
mom. So, at my NST Lindsey was doing
well. I even got to watch as she
“practiced breathing.” At a lot of my
appointments they pointed out the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed
the amniotic fluid in and out. Owen was
seen practicing occasionally, but not as often as she did. That day, she even turned to look at the
ultrasound wand as the tech measured the amniotic fluid levels and I marveled
to know that my body was making these two perfectly sized little babies. Her heart rate was in the normal range the
whole time and within the first 6 minutes of monitoring I passed the NST and
just had to stay hooked up until I hit the 20 minute mark and the doctor could
sign off on it.
I went from my NST to my last OB appointment before their
scheduled C-section and Dr. Robinson heard both babies’ heartbeats again, around
140 each, just like they always were at my appointments with her. She went over the list of things to look out
for and said, “Well, if none of those happen, I’ll see you at the hospital
Friday morning at 6. She was so
confident that I’d make it to my scheduled time because I was 50% effaced and
had not dilated at all. I went home and
looked forward to Friday, double and triple checking my hospital bag, finishing
the last few crafts and taking the time to print pictures for both of the babies’
baby books. I’d put off writing in their
books because I have horrible handwriting, but decided that it was finally
time. That and rearranging all of their
clothes in their dresser seemed like my biggest priorities that last week.
On Tuesday night I sent Jon to bed and tried to make myself
comfortable on the couch for the night.
I’d given up sleeping in the bed because I was so big (52 inches around)
that trying to roll from side to side to get comfortable made it impossible to
breathe. After sitting on the couch for
a couple hours I went in and told Jon I was having contractions and that I
planned to sit in a warm bath to see if the contractions would go away. After soaking for 45 minutes and falling
asleep in the tub, only to wake up really cold, the contractions had stopped
and I decided I wanted to sleep in the bed.
Jon was really concerned about the contractions and suggested we go to
the hospital and I almost agreed, but since I had only had 4 per hour for 2
hours and they stopped once I was in the bath, we both agreed it was better to
just wait until Friday. Jon went to work;
I stayed home and watched Castle, wandering around when I was uncomfortable and
soaking in the tub when my lower back was sore.
That’s what continued for the day Wednesday. Jon checked in throughout the day to make
sure that I was still feeling the babies move and I was pretty sure that I was
feeling them both. He checked on them
when he got home though and we both concluded that all was well. That night I
decided I wanted to go out to dinner one last time before the babies came, so
we went up to Cracker Barrel and then stopped at the Hennessey’s house to visit
for a bit before coming home.
Thursday was a repeat of Wednesday with the pacing and
trying to find a comfortable position and the soaking in the tub. At about 11 that morning I was so
uncomfortable that I text Jon and told him, “I think I’m in early labor or
something. I can’t get comfortable no
matter what I do.” He responded that it
was a good thing we were going in the next morning to have the babies
then. Less than 30 minutes later I
looked down at my stomach and noticed that it was listing to the left. I text Jon and told him that I thought the
twins must be snuggling because every time I tried to shift them back to the
right, they would pull to the left. The
lean to the left became more pronounced throughout the day and Jon could see it
when he got home from work. He’d checked
frequently to see if I could feel both babies that day as well and although
there was less movement than usual, there was still a ton of movement so I said
yes. Once we’d settled in for the night,
Jon brought a chair into the living room for me to sit in so that he could give
me a priesthood blessing for comfort in preparation for the surgery the next
morning. As Jon placed his hands on my
head and began to reassure me that things would go well, his words changed
course and I was stunned to hear him use the exact words from my patriarchal
blessing to let me know that there are difficult decisions in being a parent and
raising children and that as long as I was prayerful, that I would find comfort
in my choices. That patriarchal blessing
had been given to me the winter before my 16th birthday as I
prepared to go and live with my sister Sarah in California. I did not understand why Jon would be
prompted to say those words and mentioned that to him after. He gave me a huge hug and said, “I don’t
know, they were just the words that you needed to hear I guess.” As the night got later I became more and more
uncomfortable and Jon became concerned about the babies. I lay on the bed in our bedroom as Jon shined
the flashlight all around my belly trying to get the babies to move
around. Owen was obviously moving and I
thought I could feel Lindsey’s flutterings in middle of my stomach. I tried not to be paranoid though and decided
to soak once more in the bathtub. It was
12:30. After sitting in the tub and timing
what were now obviously contractions I realized that they were coming every 3-5
minutes and were lasting 30 to 90 seconds and increasing in intensity. I went in and woke Jon up again. This time telling him I was pretty sure I was
in labor, but that my water hadn’t broken.
He said, “Well, lets get ready and head to the hospital. What’s the worst that they’ll do? Tell us to come back in a few hours?” I got in the shower and shaved my legs one
last time. I dried and straightened my
hair, something I hadn’t done for weeks because I wanted to look beautiful for
my babies in their first day pictures.
Jon showered and at 2:00 am, we headed out the door for the hospital,
opting to take Jon’s car because I felt good enough to climb in.
 |
| The final belly shot in the mirror minutes before we left for the hospital. |
We drove in nervous excitement to the hospital, marveling at
how little traffic there was and gritting through the contractions as I rubbed
the right side of my belly. Whenever I
was worried during the pregnancy I’d rub Lindsey’s side and tell myself that it
would all be okay. We parked in the
parking garage, not in a labor and delivery spot, and I walked very, very
slowly up the stairs to the hospital.
Jon kept teasing me that with every step I was going slower. We rode the
elevator to the fourth floor where I’d been on Monday for my NST. We were greeted in labor and delivery by a
male nurse who took my information. He
confirmed that we were preregistered and scheduled for a C-section that morning
at 7:30. He shared that he had boy/girl
twins at home and we were so excited that we’d be joining that club so
soon. Another nurse came and greeted us
and took us to a labor and delivery room where I was instructed to put on a
gown so that they could hook me up for monitoring. I had my blue and pink belts from the NSTs
that I was so excited to use to listen to the babies one more time before they
were born.
The nurse told us when she came
back in and helped me into the bed that she had 13 year old girl twins at home
and how excited she was for us also. As
she got the heart rate monitors untangled and the contraction monitor ready, I
kept thinking how perfect it was that we had the staff that we did that
day. It was then that everything
changed. The nurse asked where she could
find baby A’s heartbeat for monitoring, I showed her on my lower right side,
and as she placed the Doppler there, there was silence. Jon and I both looked at each other, a little
worried, as she moved it around, not finding any noise. I’d prayed every other time that Lindsey
would be okay, this time I hadn’t because we were so close, I didn’t think
anything could go wrong. The nurse
seemed worried, but said, “We’ll come back to baby A, where can I find baby
B?” I showed her the upper left spot
where Owen’s chest was and as soon as the Doppler hit my skin we were hearing
his heart thumping steadily. She then
put the contraction monitor on and I watched as my contractions were coming
quite steadily. She went back to
Lindsey’s heart rate monitor and attempted again to find her heart beat. She quieted Owen’s monitor so that we could
hear as the silence from her side continued.
She told us not to worry as she called another nurse in to check and
called for a portable ultrasound so they could try to find her. When the portable ultrasound came in, the
other nurse moved the probe around and we could see Lindsey’s head and then
down to her chest and there was no movement. I’m pretty sure that was when my shaking
began. I was trying to remain calm, but
I was hurting a lot from the constant contractions, and just didn’t want to
believe what I was seeing. Jon held my
hand and kissed my forehead, and just said, “We can do this. We’ll be okay.” We both knew inside that Lindsey had already
passed away, but neither of the nurses could say that, instead one of them went
to get the doctor who was on call for the night, so that she could confirm
things. Jon grabbed the ultrasound probe
then and after finding her chest; we could see the chambers of her heart as
they sat motionless. When the doctor
came in I just wanted her to change what I already knew. I asked the nurse if we could just try to zap
her, not meaning with electricity, but with the probe that I had heard them use
during other people’s NSTs. I’d heard
babies who were very inactive wake right up with the loud sound buzzed on their
mothers’ stomach. The nurse squeezed my
arm and said, “I’m so sorry, it won’t help.
She’s already gone.” I was in full shock at that point. What was supposed to be the very best day of
my life, when I got to hold my squirmy twins for the first time, had turned
into the saddest day. It was a day that
I had hoped I would never experience, after watching my parents lose my sister,
and my sister-in-law lose her son, I never wanted to know their pain.
Things started moving at a break neck pace at that
point. At least it felt like the world
was spinning out of control to me. The
doctor on call went and called Dr. Robinson and they decided they needed to get
Owen out as quickly as they could to ensure that he would be okay. They started pumping me with IV fluids to
prep for the surgery and I listened as Jon had to call his parents and my
parents to tell them that we’d lost Lindsey.
After he told his mom and dad, he asked if I wanted to use his phone to
call my parents and I just told him that I couldn’t because I didn’t want to
break their hearts. He did it for me and
made that call over and over again to let the family know what was
happening. It was so early in the morning;
everyone thought we were just calling on our way to the hospital. Jon tried to answer everyone’s questions as
best he could, even though neither of us had any clue as to what happened. Every time he’d greet a new person over the
phone and say, “We lost Lindsey”, I would have to stifle a sob because I didn’t
want it to be true. I think the hardest
call was when Jon said he needed to try to call Erin. We had both mentioned the
year before when James passed away that we felt like his passing was preparing
us for something. We didn’t want it to
be this. It was obvious to us both that
the Lord knew that we would need the comfort of others who had this experience,
but we just didn’t want to be experiencing it.
He wasn’t able to get her on the phone while we were preparing for
surgery.
When Dr. Robinson arrived I had to start signing papers and
listening as doctors, anesthesiologists, and nurses explained what would happen
next and have me sign forms to say that I understood. I wasn’t scared at all about the surgery
anymore, I just wanted my babies out so I could hold and kiss them. I wanted them to be delivered so that I could
see that Lindsey was really okay. In my
head I just kept thinking, if they can get her out they can save her, they can
still bring her back. That’s what I kept
thinking until the doctor sat down with one last form and explained that
because Lindsey had not had a heart beat for more than 5 minutes prior to their
delivery, that no life saving measures would be performed. I felt like my heart was tearing as they
handed me a pen that I could not keep steady.
I kept muttering, “I understand,” as I signed the form. I still couldn’t grasp it though, I still
hoped that something would change and they would pull her out and she’d cry and
squirm and turn nice and pink. They then
explained as we walked to the operating room that they would wrap Lindsey up as
soon as she was delivered and have a nurse bring her to Jon so that he could
hold her and I could see her while they delivered Owen and as they checked him
to make sure he was okay.
Once we got to the operating room the anesthesiologist got
right to work. Jon was trying to get the
camera working so that he could document their birth and for some reason, the
lens that was on it wouldn’t work. I was
shaking so hard at that point that I started to worry about the spinal block
and my ability to stay still as they inserted the needle. As I hugged the pillow and felt the slight
prick of the numbing shot I tried to will myself to calm down. I knew that I needed to calm down for the
babies, that if I didn’t remain calm I might hyperventilate or throw up or
something and then I wouldn’t even be allowed to see them. By the time the spinal block was done, Jon
had finally fixed the camera and had a few shots of the operating room
floor. I was asked to swing my legs up
onto the operating table and as I tried they felt very heavy. As I turned I felt a gush of warm fluid and
one of the nurses said, “We’ve got a bloody show.” I listened as the nurses and doctors took a
count of all of the instruments and sutures, and as Dr. Robinson requested a
smaller scalpel and a tray for taking a biopsy of a mole of my stomach. I was a little relieved that in all of the
commotion, she hadn’t forgotten about that.
Sometime close to this I started asking if they were putting medicine in
my IV really often because it kept burning every time they added more. By the second time I asked the anesthesiologist
brought an oxygen mask over and placed it over my mouth and nose. I thought it was just standard procedure, but
I’d done a bad job of not hyperventilating and I needed it. I was shaking so hard at this point and I had
my arms laid out on the arm pieces of the bed and I kept wondering when they
were going to strap my arms down. They
never did strap my arms down but I dutifully kept them stretched to my sides.
When the surgery began Jon was standing near my head
watching and providing a calming commentary.
He was asking lots of questions and the doctors were helping both of us
stay calm by answering them patiently. I
remember at one point Jon teased me because they were cauterizing the incision
and he said, “Rachael, I can smell your flesh burning.” I couldn’t smell it because of the oxygen
mask. Soon after that as they cut down
through another layer they hit a vein or an artery on my left side and I
spurted blood 6 feet or so and hit every person in the surgical area. Jon cheered for me for getting them all and
the doctor teased that I needed to behave.
Then, they were deep enough to deliver the babies. Lindsey was delivered first, just as was
always planned. When they broke her bag
of waters it was full of blood rather than clear amniotic fluid. Jon asked if it was normal and they responded
that it wasn’t and that he’d see the difference when Owen was born. He also asked if her cord looked normal, to
which they gave the same response. Her
cord was red and shriveled instead of white and rubbery. I could feel them tugging as they tried to
get her bum unwedged from my pelvis. Jon
watched as her lower half came out, completely folded in half, the doctors then
had to work to get her head out. She was
wedged under my ribcage. I could feel
the pressure of the doctors pushing on my stomach trying to get her head out
and I just wanted to use my hand to push her head down because I could feel
exactly where she was. Once she was
loose she came all the way out and Jon just exclaimed, “Oh, she’s
beautiful!” One of the nurses or doctors
commented that she was beautiful and that she had so much hair. I just wanted to see her; I couldn’t believe
that she was actually born because she was so silent. They called her birth time at 4:29 am. Then as they wrapped her up to bring her to
us, Owen was born. Jon could see the
difference because his amniotic fluid was the normal yellowish color and his
cord was fine. He came out head first,
with his body sliding out easily after and made one loud squawk to mark his
entrance into the world at 4:30 am. He
stretched all the way out and every marveled at him as well commenting on how
tall he was right from the start.
 |
| Lindsey's toes. Owen definitely got Jon's feet, those pictures are still in the camera though. |
The nurse brought Lindsey over for Jon to hold and after
briefly showing us Owen, they took him to be weighed, measured, and wiped
down. We could hear him screaming about
it as we marveled at our sweet sleeping beauty.
She looked so healthy and so alive.
Her lips and fingernails had a dark tint to them that made her look so
much more delicate and feminine. We
noticed right away that she had my dimpled chin and it was so important to me
that Jon unwrap her lower body and show me her toes so I could know if she got
my feet or his. She had mine, with the
overlapping second toe. They had said
that I could hold Lindsey, but I was still shaking so hard and wearing the
oxygen mask that kept fogging up my glasses and I was still expecting that my
arms should be strapped down so I just laid arms out and watched as Jon
adoringly stroked her cheeks and kissed her head and loved on her. It was so beautiful to see him repeat the
process with Owen when he was brought around.
I had been a little concerned about loving one baby more than the other
or thinking one was cuter, but seeing the two of them, I knew that they were
two of the most beautiful babies and although they were obviously brother and
sister, they were so uniquely wonderful that there was enough room to have love
for each of them in my heart.
 |
| Holding hands, Owen on top, Lindsey on bottom. |
 |
| Brother and Sister all snuggled up in their going home outfits. |
 |
| You can definitely tell that they are twins, yet they have their own looks for sure. |
As we enjoyed the babies they continued to work on me,
delivering the placentas and taking samples of cord blood and sending both
placentas to pathology to see if they could find the source of Lindsey’s
death. They gave us the stats for both
babies then. Lindsey was 6 lbs. 11 oz.
and 20 inches tall; Owen was 6 lbs. 12 oz. and 20.5 inches tall. They gave Jon a tour of my uterus showing him
all of the parts and where they would all go as they put it back inside my
incision. They then biopsied my mole and
the whole staff laughed as no one could find a Band-Aid to put over the three
stitches that were placed to allow the biopsy site to heal. They covered it in gauze and surgical tape
instead. I was then shifted to a
recovering bed and both babies were placed on me, one on either side, as they
wheeled me to the “VIP room” to recover and spend time with our sweet
babies. The thing that broke my heart
the most about the ride though, was watching as they positioned the blankets
over Lindsey’s face so that prying eyes wouldn’t see that my sweet girl was
born sleeping.
 |
| Head to head at Lindsey's blessing, they are so similar, yet so individual. |
Getting settled into the room, someone brought our things
from the first Labor and Delivery room and set them on the couch. Then Jon began the task of making more phone
calls to the bishop, to his siblings, to my family to confirm that I was okay
and that Owen was healthy, and to a few friends to let them know what
happened. While that was going on nurses
were telling me that Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep had already been called and a
photographer would be there shortly to take pictures of my Lindsey girl. They also brought in a white dress and
blanket for her to wear as well as a memory box for her clothes and hospital
things to be stored in. The nursing
staff gifted us the Angel of Hope Willow Tree ornament that holds a lantern. While all of this was happening every person
who came in commented on the beauty of our babies. Owen was so content and after just a few
minutes began rooting, ready to start eating right from the get go. He latched on really well right away, but when
visitors began arriving, the nurse suggested giving him a binky so he’d
remember the suckling reflex. Bishop
Chidester, Josh Lukenga, Patty Godfrey, and Trina Smith were the first visitors
of the morning. They came to represent
the ward, but also as our friends.
Bishop confirmed that we would be allowed to give Lindsey a name and a
blessing and that we just needed to let him know when we wanted to do
that. The next visitors were the
Talbots, the Morrisons, the Graves, and Beth Child. Beth had stopped at our house to get
Lindsey’s blessing dress just in case we decided to use it for pictures. During this commotion we learned that Drew
and Susan had bought tickets and were on the first flight from San Diego, they
had dropped everything to be there for us.
My mom was already booked on a flight to get there that night and my
sister Beth had packed bags and was driving up right away from Nevada. I told my Dad to stay in Michigan and wait until
we had more plans about when the funeral and all of that would be. It was just a whirlwind of all of our
families and closest friends trying to get there to be with us and support us
as quickly as they could. I don’t think
I’d ever felt such an outpouring of love.
I think one of the harder moments for Jon during this time period was
talking to Erin on the phone. He finally
got in touch with her and after telling her, heard as she handed the phone to
Jon Mason and went outside to scream for a few minutes, to just shout to get
the pain out. I was feeling like that
was what I wanted to do so badly, but I couldn’t. I could already feel the strength and the
calm from everyone’s prayers washing over me.
I just kept thinking we’ve been prepared for this, right from the
beginning. We hadn’t ever really
considered it, but both Jon and I felt like we knew all along that this was a
possible outcome. The Lord prepared us
through all of our life experiences to have both of these sweet babies come
into our lives, knowing full well that one of them would never have a chance to
take a breath in our arms. We both knew
in the moment that it was all part of Heavenly Father’s plan for our family and
that this trial was something that we had agreed that we could handle. It wasn’t just Jon and I who agreed to it,
Lindsey had agreed to be our daughter and to lead the way for us. Owen had agreed to come to Earth with his
sister and be our happiness and our joy in such a sad time. We had all been prepared. When that peace washed over me, I remembered
the words of Jon’s blessing and my testimony that this was part of a greater
plan was just reaffirmed. Jon had been
inspired to bless me with the same words that I had heard more than 10 years
before so that I would find comfort in knowing that this was the Lord’s plan
for me as a mother. For some reason I
have always needed two witnesses and in this circumstance I had it.
 |
| Our Sleeping Beauty, photo thanks to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep |
As visitors stayed and held both of my babies and stroked
their cheeks and cried on their heads, I slowly came out of the fog of the
narcotics from my surgery. My legs
regained feeling and my whole face and body began to itch. I felt present in the experience, but so
distant from it all. I was still shaking
so much that I was nervous to hold Owen at first and I had to sit in the
hospital bed and watch from afar as Jon had the opportunity to give Lindsey a
bath and dress her in her coming home outfit so that we could take pictures to
remember our sweet girl’s birthday. In
all of it though, I felt my daughter’s presence there with me, reminding me
that she is mine and that I can do this.
That I have to do this; I can make it through every day and every
challenge, for her. Well, not just for
her, for her brother too. That’s the
remarkable blessing in all of this. Owen
is safe and healthy and mine here on Earth as well as in the eternities. In the last calendar year, I went from
thinking that I might not ever have children here on Earth, to having one
waiting for me in Heaven, watching over me, and another here on Earth with me,
for me to watch over and protect. I am
so blessed in both instances and I need to remind myself on the hard days that
“its going to be okay and we can do this.”
We’ve been prepared and we are an eternal family and we can get through
anything as long as we rely on the Lord and remain faithful. I’ve quoted Neal A. Maxwell before, but I
have to keep reminding myself, “Faith in God includes faith in His
timing.” If I knew it to be true with
the conception of these sweet babies, then I know it to be true in the way that
I get to raise them too. There are a lot
of other things from that first day and these first few weeks that I would like
to document, but this is what I need to share for now.
